Youth is Fleeting ... If You Ever Had it to Begin With

AGING SUCKS! Especially when you’re an actor. I mean, who invented this aging process, anyway? I love my agent (who says that, right?), but I just might literally scream if I hear him say, “I pitched you, but they’re looking for a 22-year-old” one more time. (What’s more, I’ve been playing the “young mom” since I was 19. That’s just depressing.) And it’s not as if I’m a hi-def film actor. I’m a stage actor, for God’s sake! I mean, if I can’t play 22 from 300 ft away, just shoot me now. …Wow, that bullet stung.

*Product Review: Sumbody Coffee Butter

Single straight men, of a certain age, are that way for a reason. Not about beauty you say? Well, as is the case with products that promise to firm the skin and magically remove cellulite, this is one of the many ugly truths about which we try to delude ourselves. Frankly, I’ve never had a particularly perky bosom, but time, breastfeeding, and weight fluctuations haven’t done me any favors either. I turned to firmers. Sumbody Coffee Butter goes for $24.96 per 4 oz. jar at http://skinbotanika.com/ (or sumbody.com). It claims to be “packed with anti-aging antioxidants & rich oils to promote firm skin [and] reduce the appearance of cellulite …”. Upon precursory whiff, it hints at a delightful coffee concoction. HOWEVER, at exactly .5 seconds out of the jar, the aroma turns to an unmistakable cigarette butt à la ash tray odor. (Not a sexy scent, by the way.) Let me tell you, it is a sensory assault. But, for the hope of great results by an all-natural method, worth it if the product delivers, right? Fat chance! After a month of nearly nightly applications from chest to toe, I am disenchanted to report that the pendulosity of my peaches remains unaltered. The moral of this story: Let’s not fool ourselves. Caffeine may pep up your step, but the bust is a long way from the foot. Just for having pissed me off … 1 Star.