I Was an Ugly Child

No I wasn’t. But I guess, on some level, I always felt that way. What I really was was one of two black girls in my class. (Well, the ONLY one until middle school.) Pretty was fair with flowy hair. I certainly wasn’t ugly, but I wasn’t the object of any of the boys’ affection, either. I was just … Jennifer. My breakthrough: I’ve heard Sondheim’s classic, Pretty Women, a thousand times in my life, but was never before so struck by its significance as when I heard the incomparable Brian Stokes Mitchell’s rendition the other day. His interpretation was so magnificent that it finally struck me just how captivating a beautiful woman can be. It suddenly occurred to me that maybe that’s what I’ve been trying to capture with my obsessive-compulsive need to collect far too many frivolous lotions and creams. Maybe I’ve been trying to attain that feminine allure, that quality that makes a woman so desirable and enticing. Having always just been “one of the boys”, I’ve often wondered what it would be like to be “That Girl”. God, that's so superficial. But, is it possible that I could, at last, have touched upon the root of my neurosis? Incredible! …Wow, that was deep. Too deep. Back to skin care …

Product Review: mark. Self-Sanctuary Chocolate Orchid Scent Mist

Alright, well I guess (given all this talk of femininity) I should speak of roses and lilacs, but here’s the next best thing: chocolate. I know most women love to consume this covetable confection, but since I’m not allowed to eat it -– I know, my life sucks, right? –- I can only resort to the suggestion of it. If you have a serious craving for a chocolate fix that you cannot fulfill, this product will make you wanna cry. This 1.7 oz spray comes from that all-too-incredible Avon.com (Item #524-035). It truly makes you smell just like a sensuously creamy chocolate concoction. I caution you that, if you don’t wanna smell like a chocolate bar, THIS IS NOT FOR YOU. I suppose the orchid layers a slightly more sophisticated quality to it, but I really just notice the chocolate. For whatever reason, the Chocolate Orchid line never seems to be available, except for its random appearance in the clearance department. (Whatever. Mine is not to question why, but merely to appreciate what is. And what is, is that fact that I picked up this little gem for only $3.99.) I tell you about this product now because the entire line (body butter to shower wash) is currently accessible. Hurry, it seems to disappear as quickly and randomly as it appears, and I suspect it won’t be there much longer. I have been awaiting this blessed day and have already put in my order for the perfect accompanying products to my scent mist. In just a few short days, I will drizzle myself from head to toe with the unspeakably wonderful chocolaty goodness contained in each delicious container. It makes me so happy … 4½ Stars.

Mark. Self Sanctuary Chocolate Orchid Scent Mist

The Bigger They Come, The Harder They Feel

I grew up having gianormous mammary accoutrements. They were never perky, like my wee-busted friends. They didn’t fit into cute, slinky little bras. You could lose an eye cheerleading, and you certainly couldn’t wear ANYTHING without a bra. They were most impractical, and the disadvantages great, but the one reward was the fact that the opposite sex found them rather appealing. They put me in an admirable category, occupied by only the busty few. Now with the ease, relative affordability, and prevalence of plastic surgery, any woman can have big ones -- without the imperfections. No real-busted woman can compete with that. Come on, that’s just unfair! There is absolutely no advantage to having God-given large breasts anymore. They have suffered a rather cruel obsolescence. What’s even more cruel is that, now that I no longer have an ample bosom, there are still challenges. While the ease of fitting into any top, evening gown, or bra is much appreciated (and I actually enjoy being average), the aftermath of once-big-boob-syndrome is not pretty. (I ask you … does God have no mercy?) I turn to the plastic surgery debate. In a perfect world, I’d jump at the chance to be lifted and tucked (though not augmented), but it is major surgery and that comes with real risks. I mean, could I really stand to have the world know that I died in the name of such vanity? Could I live with the possibility of emerging from surgery with perfect breasts and a comatose existence? Could I live with complications that left me with horrible pain or gross disfigurement for the rest of my life? Are any of these risks worth it when I’m really not that bad-off to begin with (face it, most of us look pretty good)? I don’t know. … Oh, my philosophy professors would be so proud that this is what I ponder.

*Product Review: Bravissimo

OK, I guess it’s not really a “product” as much as it is a merchant, but whatever. Well, since I am no longer robustly endowed, I pass on the torch of indispensable knowledge. For those of you with a rather hearty set of girly-pillows (a term borrowed from a gay man, I assure you), you simply MUST know about this company. For whatever reason, the average cup size of a woman in the UK is much larger than that of an American. (Unenhanced, that is.) It’s not surprising then that the UK should be home to this amazing company that caters to women who wear a D-cup or larger. They carry various well-known big-cupped designer brands, as well as their own. In the States, it’s not that hard to find larger bands with higher cup sizes, but nearly impossibly to find lingerie for small women with voluptuous mammillae. Well, if that’s your drama, this is the place for you. If you’re in between a 28D and a 40KK, you’ll find more options in bras, clothing, swimwear, and sexy chemises, than you’d ever imagined possible. They are online at bravissimo.com, but I would also advise ordering their catalog, as well. In their ever-more-intelligent fashion, those Brits use models who actually look like you and me, so you really get a sense of what the underwear will do for a real woman (as opposed to Heidi Klum). If you don't live in the UK, it is slightly annoying that you can’t try anything on and have to wait for overseas shipping, but it’s worth it for the things you can’t find at Nordstrom. (Nordstrom being another good curvaceous cutie resource, by the way.) With more fun, flirty, and fabulous options in your size than you’ve ever seen in one place before, you may be tempted to go crazy and order everything. I caution you to remember that, while the prices may seem more than reasonable, you have to convert from pounds to dollars. Yeah, that’ll smack your butt back into reality real quick. Once you grasp the fact that everything is 1½ times the price of what it appears to be, you’ll proceed wisely and be a much happier camper. Happy shopping, my zaftig Zeenas! Go forth and support … 4 ½ stars.

Here’s the Story, of a Girl Named Crazy

Thankfully, I am not as obsessed with make-up as I am with silky skin treats. I do, however, have quite a collection of lip glosses (which I never really use anyway, they just seemed like a good idea at the time -- it’s what girly-girls wear, am I wrong?), powders, and lip stains. When I receive one that I like, it just compels me to order another. After all, if that one came so close to perfection, surely the next shade will be closer to the beauty mark (sorry, I can’t help myself). Or … if one is good, more is better, right? God, I’m fascinated by anthropology … or is it sociology? What drives us to do what we do, and why? I would love to just study people. To sit around asking crazy questions all day long. Fascinating!

*Product Review: mark. Gloss Gorgeous Stay On Lip Stain

OK, so here’s the deal … if you’re an everyday-lip-gloss-wearn’ kinda gal, this will be your go-to product. If you don’t normally wear lip gloss on a daily basis, this will make you want to. At $9 from shop.avon.com (Item #505-826), this is 1.5 grams of gorgeous. Yes, the product lives up to it’s name. It has the sexy glossiness we’re looking for, but not overdone, and it doesn’t leave you with dry naked lips when it wears off. First of all, it DOESN’T wear off. Second, when it does sort of “wear down” it leaves a really lovely layer of color. Finally someone has added my favorite type of cosmetic (a stain) to a product that has often annoyed me with its impracticality and failure to perform (the gloss). Alright, so my one gripe is that there isn’t a tremendous range of colors. I tried the Bare, Bella, Lolli, and Pop. On a medium-skinned African-American, such as myself, the Bare is just that … to the extreme. This is not a lot of color. It’s just the slighted hint of blush, but nice if you were going for clear anyway. When it wears down, the tint is a little hard to detect, though. The Bella is not nearly as dark as advertised, it’s really more of a natural blush tone on me. It’s just a slightly darker tint of rosy pink than the Bare. I LOVE the Bella shade! Very natural, but still a little sexy. The Lolli is definitely brighter, but a little bit too hot pinky for me, but not unwearable. (It would be a lovely bold color on a blond, though.) The Pop is the fairest of them all. It has a very slight peach undertone, but not too much so. It's great if you're going for that smokey-eye-pale-lip look. So, they definitely need to expand their selection, but it’s a great start. And I was impressed by how versatile the colors were. They really could work on anyone from Snow White to Grace Jones. (By the way, I’d like to see their cabaret act.) This product won’t replace your glamgirl night-out-on-the-town vixen gloss, but it’s a great option for days when you wouldn’t have worn a gloss at all. Where I normally reach for my lip stain in the morning, I now find myself grabbing this gloss instead. (Get down with my bad, sexy self.) I no longer have to worry that I’ll be too over-the-top shellacked, or left looking barren when the gloss wears off. This is the only gloss worth the sticky, kissy mess to me. I love it. What more can I say? Get it. No, seriously, why are you still reading this? BUY IT!! … 5 Stars.

Occam’s Razor

I really am practical. No, really. I don’t understand the point of bras with seams when today’s seamless contraptions will work with any outfit. Why buy underwear in fashion colors when beige, tan, and black will work with everything? And lip gloss just doesn’t make sense when you’re gonna spend the day kissing your baby, your significant other, or (if you’re lucky) your handsome co-star. It’s just messy. I mean, big glossy red lips look enticing from afar, but up close they’re just intimidating.

*Product Review: Cover Girl Outlast Lip Stain

I am a lip stain junkie, and this is the best I’ve found at ANY pricepoint. The challenge: Many lip stains end up looking too purple-plumy to pass off as my own perfectly “born-with” lip color. The solution: I wear the Sassy Mauve shade (#420) nearly everyday, and it’s the most natural-looking hue I’ve found for a medium dark-skinned gal. I know people complain that stains are too drying, but I just layer it with a waxy lip-balm and I’m set. (Make sure it’s wax-based and not slick though, or the oils will break down the stain.) My favorite is the cherry flavored Surgeon’s Skin Secret lip balm that I bought from QVC, but I imagine Chapstick would work too. Listen, I simply don’t have the time or patience to apply and reapply lip color all day. Even if I did, it would come off with the first of ten thousand kisses I give my baby girl on a daily basis. You just can’t beat the long-lasting ease and practicality of a lip stain, versus lipstick or gloss. (Hell, if you’re feelin’ fancy, you can put the gloss over the stain.) Also, unlike many products in its category, the Outlast lip stain has a felt-tip applicator which avoids any ugly messes made by clumsy hands. For around $7.49 at your local drugstore (or drugstore.com), you can have a long lasting “blush” that looks God-given and beats anything you might find at Sephora. To be fair, the pen dries-up faster than you’d want, but even if you go through 2 or 3, it’s still cheaper than the Stila, The Balm, Tarte, or Kimiko alternatives. For an everyday product at everygirl prices … 4 ½ Stars.

Save the Children

I have ruined my child: contaminated her one-year-old mind with my often-scoffed-at affliction. In any given store, on any given day, my child will impishly peer up at me (with pant-leg in hand) and declare, “I need wotion on da knee, Mama”. At which point, I must immediately produce a bottle of lotion from my purse and dispense an imaginary quantity onto her tiny little knee-cap. If, for some completely bizarre and inexplicable reason, I don’t have a bottle of said “wotion” ... God help me! It’s not going to end well.

*Product Review: Burt's Bees Baby Bee, Pint-Sized Buttermilk Bath Soak

So, this Buttermilk Bath is a less expensive alternative to the Sumbody Wholesum Bath Milk (which I love so dearly), at $15.99 for 9 oz. It still comes in the nifty (and oh-so-eco-friendly) glass jar, softens the skin beautifully, and has a lovely aroma. It’s actually designed for babies, so it’s extra-gentle too. (I initially bought this FOR the baby, but well … you know.) The advantage of this product is that it’s much more readily accessible. You can find it at most Target and drug-store type establishments. I have also purchased it from drugstore .com. I use the accompanying Buttermilk Body Lotion and Body Wash on my daughter almost everyday. It’s a great buy from a quality line of elixirs … 4 ½ Stars.

Burt's Bees Baby Bee Buttermilk Lotion, 8-Ounce Bottles (Pack of 2)

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

Honestly, and I realize this may be hard to believe, but I am not a “girly-girl”. But wait, just hear me out. I can’t figure out eye shadow, steer clear of day spas, don’t like massages, feel out-of-sorts in a dress, can’t be bothered with foundation, simply cannot bring myself to paint my nails, hate doing face masques, don’t have soft hands, have proven unsuccessful at cute trendy hair styles, can’t cook worth crap, and don’t have the time, patience, or coordination to carry a purse (much less a different one with each coordinating designer outfit). What’s more, I actually like camping. And I don’t mean car-camping. I like roughing it outdoors, fishing for your food, and then savagely flinging it onto an open fire in the name of sustenance. (If you refuse to believe this about me, don’t feel bad, my husband of almost 13 years has yet to accept this fact either. Not once has he taken me on any of the many camping expeditions he has had since our nuptials). Don’t misunderstand, I’d like to be a girly-girl. I actually aspire to be a bit like Elle Woods. (Wow, that was embarrassing.) What can I say, I suppose I spent too much time doing karate and climbing trees as a kid. I just can’t shake the tom-boy in me. I guess it really is true what they say, “You can put lipstick on a pig …”

*Product Review: Bath & Body Works True Blue Spa - Shea Cashmere Hand Cream

OK, so outside of Sephora, the girliest place I can think of is Bath & Body Works. Well, (just to prove how non-girly I am) I'm generally not a fan of this establishment. I love the array of diverse scents, but the products usually don't deliver. This product line appealed to me because it came with the full complement. From shower gel to body spray, you could layer to your heart’s content. And you have to know I was enticed by the fact that this cream smelled of mouthwatering vanilla cake. So, I took a chance and tried the 2.5 oz. Hand Cream, on sale at Bath & Body Works for $6 (reg. $12). Much to my chagrin, once applied to the skin, it lost some of its sweetness and became more perfumey. Don't get me wrong, it’s still a nice scent, but for me … cake=edible, perfume=not. It’s really that simple. If only they had their Vanilla Bean Noel available all year. Now that’s a scent worthy of my attention (provided they develop a body butter companion). Its warm and caramely goodness gives you a toothache just glancing at it. But I digress. I used the Cashmere Hand Cream all over my body and it does seem to make the skin silky, but doesn't hydrate at all. (Keep in mind that much of the silky-smooth quality is likely due to the 150,000% silicone content … but, whatever.) In the end, the hand of the Almighty smites me, once again, for my greedy curiosity. Bath & Body Works disappoints again … 2 Stars.

Here’s a TIP: If you're not sure about a fragrance, buy the hand cream and live with it for a few days. This is often the least expensive product in the line, and what you're likely to come out smelling like anyway. Think about it, often the aroma of your lotion is gone by the time you leave the house, but you'll keep applying that hand cream all day long.

Bath & Body Works True Blue Spa Shea Cashmere Hand Cream 2.5 fl oz (73 ml)