Eat Me

OK, well you’ve probably figured out by now that I am not a fan of florals, musk, or patchouli. I like sweet, edible scents. My husband says I’m a “fat girl in a thin girl’s body”. (His definition of the term “thin” clearly used very loosely, but God bless him.) I LOVE to eat. Even more than that, I adore dessert. Maybe that’s why I prefer to always smell like some sort of delicious confection. Could this be a way of compensating for my desire to eat constantly, which can obviously never be fulfilled? Or is the fact that I always smell like food driving that desire? Is it my way of always having food around? Or, stranger yet, maybe it’s my way of creating the sensory illusion that I'm “sweet”, which anyone who knows me would agree that I most assuredly am not. Well, whatever the reason, if a fragrance doesn’t smell like something you’d be inclined to ingest, why wear it? That’s my motto. Well, I don’t actually have a motto, but if I did … that’d be it. ...Unless it was something more profound. …Or eloquent. But I digress.

*Product Review: Sumbody Pure Sense Roll-on Perfume

My mother surprised me with the .3 oz. in the Milky Rich fragrance, for Valentine’s Day. You can find it for $16.95 at sumbody.com, and it is fantastic. I don’t know if it smells “milky rich”, but it is a lovely vanilla cream fragrance that lasts FOR-E-VER. The scent literally doesn’t go away until you wash it off. I love that! And that’s a tall order for a sweet scent. Florals tend to be the long-lasters. The aroma makes me feel warm, cozy, and delicious, and layers beautifully over any other vanilla-type product you may have. It pleases me … 5 Stars.

Scentual Healing

I went to the doctor today. He told me I have a hemorrhage that is threatening to rupture. I walked out of his Beverly Hills office and right into the swanky, over-priced beauty supply next door. I bought the most aromatic, expensive, exotic, luxurious body butter I could find. ... I feel better.

Skin Care to Underwear

I’m no fashionista, but I do firmly (you’ll see the pun later) believe that no woman should ever leave the house without taking steps to ensure that she is soft, scented, and well-supported. As much as I love bath and body products, lingerie is an equally essential foundation to your presentation. With all the options out there today, there is no reason ANYONE should be wiggling and jiggling about (unless it’s intentional – in that case … we’ll talk). I even sleep in a bra. And believe me, I know busty. I have been anywhere from a 32B to a 34FF, and understand the challenges of shopping for the right bra at both ends of the spectrum. ...And then there are the chonies. Don’t even get me started on the wrong woman in the wrong thong. Or lack thereof. (Please, do we not understand the concept of visible panty lines, people?) In short, it pains me to see a woman strutting down the street with an utterly unsupported, pendulous protrusion or unflattering curve. It just makes me wanna drag said fashion victim to the nearest Nordstrom and save the world one boob at a time.

*Product Review: Rhonda Shear "Day to Night" Seamless Underwire Bra

There are two types of women in the world: those who sleep in a bra and those who don’t. I’m not quite sure what that says about us, but it must mean something. Well anyway, I have found the ultimate sleep bra. It comes to us via hsn.com, from the TV personality-turned-fashion-maven, Rhonda Shear. This particular model is available in a range of colors, but if you are lucky enough to be a size XS, you can nab the black or nude (Item #907-569) for a mere $8! (For reference, I’m a size 2, currently residing at a 32C, and I wear the XS.) If you’re any other size … sorry, but you’re not on clearance. You’ll have to shell out $49.90 for the two-pack. Sucks to be you. Now, my normal gripe with Rhonda Shear is her lack of quality and durability, so for the regular retail of $28, I would say buyer beware. However, for $8 … buy 3 and pretend they hold up well. For a leisure bra, this gives you great shaping and support, and is incredibly comfortable. It's totally seamless and devoid of any and all hooks, eyes, adjusters, and other irritants. You're left only with the underwire, providing blessed support. My disclaimer: I realize that they call this the “Day to Night” bra, and it’s so comfortable you’ll want to wear it out of the house, but I cannot endorse this behavior. For daytime use, I (at least) require something with more defined uplift. For sleeping, or a leisurely day around the house, or when you just want to be comfortable, but not saggin-n-draggin, this is it. 4 ½ Stars.

Open, Open, Open!

Does anyone, other than me, think it would be a hoot to be trapped in a drugstore overnight? Or a Target? … Or a SEPHORA!? Oh, I’m not elitist. (Thank goodness, or I’d be completely bankrupt.) I can have just as much fun in a drugstore as a Sephora or high-end store. Probably more. It’s all beauty to me. I would have the time of my life just smelling and testing all the products. (The security cameras would be off, of course, so you could leave with whatever you wanted.) Simple pleasures, really.

*Product Review: L’Oreal Bare Naturale Mascara

OK, now you gotta love a product that you can get at the drugstore for half the price of something that works half as well. I know gals rave about the performance of Lancome or DiorShow mascaras, but I SWEAR L’Oreal’s Bare Naturale puts those to shame. (Honestly, I can’t decide whether or not I like BareMinerals Flawless Definition Mascara better, but for $8.49 versus $18, L’Oreal wins again.) It lengthens, separates, and pops those lashes like a luxury brand superstar. I wear it in Blackest Black (#805) and one coat’ll do ya, but if you decide to go further, it’s fairly clump-resistant. What’s more, if you have a coupon and wait for one of the frequent sales, so can prance outta that drugstore having paid a mere $4 or $5 for a fantastic product. At that price, try it! What have you got to lose? … 5 Stars.

What My Nose Knows

My sense of smell is ten times more acute than a bomb-sniffing bloodhound (a nightmare situation during pregnancy, by the way). Much as I hate to don the same hair-do everyday, I can’t seem to bring myself to wear the same fragrance, either. My scent must match my mood. Let it be done.

*Product Review: Prince Matchabelli Cotton Candy Deodorant Body Spray

Sometimes you just wanna be a kid again. Or ... at least feel like one. Truthfully, this smells a little more like strawberry than cotton candy to me, but whatever. It’s all in the suggestion. You can find it a Kmart or random drugstores for around $3.99 for a 2.5 oz. can. Come on, you can’t beat that for a perfume that actually has some staying-power. No, you probably wouldn’t wanna wear it to that ultra-important job interview, but … it’s fun, it lasts and lasts, and it makes me feel girly and sweet. Just like a good man. (Except for the whole cheap part, but … well, you get the idea.) If you’re truly looking for an “anti-aging” product, this is the best you can hope to find … 4 Stars.

Good Things Come in All Packages

I think I may be in love with the UPS man. (I already know I’m in love with my Mail Carrier, he’s the best! And besides, it follows that I must be in love with all gay men who have absolutely no interest in me.) I get a warm tingle every time I see a package on my doorstep. It’s as if, free of charge, the universe has decided to reward me for my bravery at facing each new day with a willingness to avoid doing myself in altogether. Like the Home Shopping gods know I need their help, and deliver it oh-so-caringly to my stoop. Wait, I guess it’s not really free is it? Damn! …Oh well, still enjoyable.

*Product Review: Perlier Organic Honey and Vanilla Kit

This set (Item #425-798) comes with a 7.0 oz Body Cream, 8.4 oz. Shower Cream, 3.3 oz. Hand Cream (the later WAAAY too big for my purse, by the way), and a 4.4 oz. Honey Soap Bar for $36.50, courtesy of http://hsn.com/. (Tip: If you know you like the scent, sets are often the most cost-effective way to go with HSN and QVC, as they minimize your shipping expense.) So, at first sniff the fragrance doesn’t really seem all that appealing, but it really warms up on the skin. I first tried the scent in a sampler set they had out for the holidays. For some reason, the cream in that set had a more distinctly honey AND vanilla fragrance, but this is nice too. The soap bar was nothing to speak of, but then I’m not a soap bar kinda gal. The shower gel is really the winner in the bunch. It’s thick and rich, and deliciously scented. The hand cream smells slightly different, and a little chemically at first, but it warms up to a nice SWEET vanilla in the end. Again, the body cream could be more emollient, but all-in-all it’s an enjoyable twist on the basic vanilla … 4 Stars.

A Lovely Night

If I had a television in my bathroom sanctuary, my idea of the perfect relaxing evening would be lying in a milk bath (scented candles abound) watching HSN and neverending reruns of The Golden Girls. Am I the only one? OK, I guess I’m a little too addicted to HSN, but you have to admit that The Golden Girls was the finest example of sitcomedy writing EVER. Anyway, the other day I was watching the Italian Beauty show on HSN when they came to a product that I had purchased and reviewed on their site. They began to show excerpts of customer reviews on the screen and I gasped with giddy anticipation. Would they show mine? Would they actually have the opportunity to respond directly to my critique? How exciting, my opinions mattered! The world looked to me for beauty guidance. Wait … wait … here it comes … what? Moving on to the next item? How could my exquisitely insightful criticism have missed their eye? I’m embarrassed to say that I was a little saddened by this ignorant omission. ...Oh, shut up! You don’t know me!

*Product Review: Sumbody Wholesum Bath Milk

Alright, well after the “body firming" Coffee Butter incident, I think Sumbody needs a chance to redeem itself. They really are quite a good company, with lots of wonderfully natural products. (My only gripe is that those products are insanely expensive, but … whatever.) The point is, I applaud what they are trying to do. A perfect example: the Wholesum Bath Milk. Oh my GOD, is this stuff amazing! Brace yourself, it’s pricey … $29.95 for an 11 oz. jar. However, I was a lucky, lucky girl and got it on clearance for $19.95 at skinbotanika.com. Unfortunately, they’re now selling it for $32, so http://sumbody.com/ is your better bet. (If you don’t care about the nifty glass jar, you can get it a little cheaper.) It’s a powdery blend of just about every skin-softening milk product you can imagine. You apply a few tablespoons to your evening bath and soak to your heart’s content. Now, someone I hold near and dear (who shall remain nameless) claims that I suffer from a chronic condition he “lovingly” calls … monkey paw. Yes, it is true. Though every other part of me is fairly soft for my over usage of lotions and potions, my hands remain tougher than a hike up Mount Kilimanjaro. What can I say? I’m a real woman, I work with my hands. Well, I assure you, this milk bath does what no other “softening” product has ever been able to. When I emerge from my milky bliss, my hands are so silky soft I just wanna cry. And they stay that way for days! My mother and girlfriend also swear by this dairy delight. OK, at first, I didn’t know whether or not I appreciated the yogurty fragrance, but I’ve actually come to look forward to it. Today I truly mourn the finale of my first of two bottles I bought on clearance. What’s more, I know the day is near when my last bottle of cheaply-acquired milk stuff will too be at an end. The question remains: Will I shell out $29.95 for the real deal? That is yet to be seen, but for the pleasure of today … with my dessert-scented candle and my philosophy cinnamon buns shower gel and lotion, this stuff is a recipe for a heavenly decadent bath time indulgence … 5 Stars.