Youth is Fleeting ... If You Ever Had it to Begin With

AGING SUCKS! Especially when you’re an actor. I mean, who invented this aging process, anyway? I love my agent (who says that, right?), but I just might literally scream if I hear him say, “I pitched you, but they’re looking for a 22-year-old” one more time. (What’s more, I’ve been playing the “young mom” since I was 19. That’s just depressing.) And it’s not as if I’m a hi-def film actor. I’m a stage actor, for God’s sake! I mean, if I can’t play 22 from 300 ft away, just shoot me now. …Wow, that bullet stung.

*Product Review: Sumbody Coffee Butter

Single straight men, of a certain age, are that way for a reason. Not about beauty you say? Well, as is the case with products that promise to firm the skin and magically remove cellulite, this is one of the many ugly truths about which we try to delude ourselves. Frankly, I’ve never had a particularly perky bosom, but time, breastfeeding, and weight fluctuations haven’t done me any favors either. I turned to firmers. Sumbody Coffee Butter goes for $24.96 per 4 oz. jar at http://skinbotanika.com/ (or sumbody.com). It claims to be “packed with anti-aging antioxidants & rich oils to promote firm skin [and] reduce the appearance of cellulite …”. Upon precursory whiff, it hints at a delightful coffee concoction. HOWEVER, at exactly .5 seconds out of the jar, the aroma turns to an unmistakable cigarette butt à la ash tray odor. (Not a sexy scent, by the way.) Let me tell you, it is a sensory assault. But, for the hope of great results by an all-natural method, worth it if the product delivers, right? Fat chance! After a month of nearly nightly applications from chest to toe, I am disenchanted to report that the pendulosity of my peaches remains unaltered. The moral of this story: Let’s not fool ourselves. Caffeine may pep up your step, but the bust is a long way from the foot. Just for having pissed me off … 1 Star.

My Dream Job

(Photo courtesy of http://www.fukushimaphoto.com/ for Long Beach Magazine)

I’m a musical theatre performer by trade. (And yes, people make a living doing such things. Where do you think all the money you spent on that pricey Wicked ticket went, charity?) Though my choice of profession has afforded me many exceptional opportunities, I can’t help but wonder if an alternate career path may have been better suited to my “talents”. What I’m trying to say is … I’d make a freakin’ fantastic Home Shopping Network model! Imagine getting paid to try on sexy lingerie and silky beauty products all day, then getting a nifty discount to purchase them. How fabulous is that?! And I’ve modeled before. Runway, in fact. Sure ... it was a Weekenders convention, but attended by thousands none-the-less. I’m not too shy to say that I rocked that meeting-cafe-tori-ballroom; I was quite stunning. Dallas will never forget me. My point: I CAN DO THIS JOB. Other dream jobs include: HSN, QVC, or Sephora Buyer; Beauty Editor for a major magazine; or Product Development for a major cosmetic or lingerie company. Sure, when it comes to the later occupations, it is true that I have no formal training that would in any way indicate my preparedness for said jobs … but then again, I got my degree in Philosophy and now sing and dance for a living. Clearly I can adapt.

*Product Review: philosophy fresh cream body butter

Speaking of philosophy … I was lucky enough to get the 7 oz. fresh cream body butter for $18 (reg. $25) on clearance a philosophy.com. Too bad for you, it’s no longer available there. This product is tough to find, but http://qvc.com/ has it in a combo with the 16 oz. shower gel (Item #A93105) for $36. (I’m actually looking forward to trying that.) Truth be told, I wasn’t actually brave enough to buy this until it went on sale. The name, fresh cream, initially turned me off, as I don’t particularly wanna smell like freshly-squeezed cow udder. Per contra, this fragrance is really more that of fresh vanilla whipped cream. (Think dessert, not beverage.) It’s not too overpowering, just subtly sweet and solacing. It sort of leans toward buttercream frosting, but not quite as sugary. Philosophy actually has a “sweet creamy frosting” lotion that smells less like it than this -- too cinnamony. (The consistency of that lotion is also too thin, so don’t even go there.) The consistency of this butter is thick and soothing, yet not too heavy. I do have to say, my biggest criticism of philosophy would be that they come out with these wonderfully fabulous flavors in the bath & shower creams, but don’t often follow-up with a body butter. That’s just frustrating! I know some people appreciate the idea of having their scentsory experience end once they’ve stepped out of the bath, but I like it to continue all day. If I like a fragrance enough to use it in the shower, I want it with me ‘til once again the shower and I meet. That’s the only reason I don’t buy more philosophy products. (Well, and they’re not cheap.) But since this is the rare exception to that rule, for a smooth and subtle gratification that layers well with similar scents (what’s with the alliteration?) … 5 Stars.

Nature Girl

Well, this quest for perfection isn’t only skin deep. I “somewhat” recently transitioned from relaxed hair to my natural tightly curled coils. Ever since, I have been seeking the ultimate answer to that perfect, shiny, bouncy, crunch-free spiral. I have tried countless styling products. This is where it truly approaches the insane.

Side note: With all the recent attention on the idea of accepting and basking in the glory of our natural hair texture (Chris Rock’s documentary "Good Hair", and Essence magazine's exposé on the topic, to name a few), does it not seem odd to you the definition? I mean, can we really classify an end result only possible with the aid of MASSIVE quantities of styling butter, puddings, and whips “natural”. If we’re truly talking “natural”, Don King’s do is about the best I could reasonably aspire to. Should I really embrace that? I’m just saying.

*Product Review: Hair Rules Curly Whip

I regularly buy the 8 oz. bottle of Curly Whip styling gel at http://curlmart.com/ (SKU #HR901). It sells for $20. If you’re adventurous and willing to try the accompanying products, it may be a better deal to get the $29.95 set at HSN. That comes with the curly whip, cleansing cream, conditioner, and a couple shampoo samples. Though I’ve tried (and still use) many different styling potions, this one seems to be the one I come back to most often. Beware, it can be a little drying -- I sometimes layer it with a more emollient cream – so it’s not perfect, but … if your curls tend to look more like a frizzy lion-headed mess, this will whip those wayward curls and spirited spirals into shape. It smoothes and defines each curl, without adding too much volume (my hair is insanely thick). I use enormous quantities of the stuff at a time, and it seems to crunch up less that other gels/creams. (Still, crunch up it will if you go over-the-top.) You’re not left with a matte finish, rather it leaves a nice shine without looking hard or wet, and it doesn’t flake next-day. That is SOOO important! The scent is a very light citrus that fades quickly and won’t interfere with other fragrances you may be wearing. Dry time also appears to be shorter than with similar products. And you gotta love that this potion has a reputation of being adored by both mahogany and melanin-impaired curly girls alike. By the way, don’t be fooled by their “Kinky Curling Cream”. Though (for those kinky-curled girls) it sounds like it would, this does not work better and has a very strong fragrance. So … though this isn’t the end-all-be-all styler, for taming my do when it don’t … 4 Stars.

Home Shopping Nuisance

I suddenly realized that there may be people out there who don't already know of that glorious concept known as the Home Shopping Network. Well, if you are one of those sad souls who have been living in darkness, let me be the first to enlighten you. (God, I love being me.) You see, those of us in the know refer to it as HSN. It’s one of the largest online retailers and one of the first companies to bring shopping right into your living room through that incredible invention … the television. There’s also QVC, which is a slightly higher end, more expensive alternative that seems to cater to a younger demographic. But, for the hard core bargain hunters, HSN’s the place.

This brings me to my point. The only thing better than a great new concoction, is a great new concoction acquired with the use of a coupon or benefit of a clearance sale. (The later is more dangerous, as it leads to stockpiling.) Well, in addition to those aforementioned gifts from the Gods, are you aware that you can get price-adjustments at HSN? Yes I only learned of this marvel recently and, let me tell you, I am floored by this revelation! If you make a purchase, and the price goes down within 30 days of your order, you can call customer service for an easy-breezy-no-questions-asked refund of the difference. Do you realize the money I could have saved over this Christmas season alone!? Why only just last week I earned $10.87 simply by calling customer service and telling them that I want my damn money back. (Fifty lashes for my inexcusable ignorance.) It just makes me sick that I didn't know earlier. Which, of course has led to my daily preoccupation with checking and double-checking each and every product I buy to make sure I don't miss my 30-day window to recoup any value in mark-downs. My girlfriend even says that most online retailers have a similar policy. I have not attempted to discover the validity of this claim as of yet, but … think of the possibilities, people!

*Product Review: Perlier Nutissimum Hazelnut Starter Kit

Speaking of bargains, I bought this set on clearance for $14.62 (after a limited time “additional-off” coupon on all clearance items -- gotta watch for those) at http://hsn.com/ (Item #275-872). It’s still available on “clearance” for $28.50 (whatever). Well, if you like s’mores, this is an olfactory intimation. It’s a nutty marshmallow, with a very subtle hint of cocoa. The kit contains the 7.0 oz Body Cream and 8.4 oz. Bath & Shower Cream. As for the performance, I really like the bath “cream” formulation, as opposed to a gel, so kudos for that. (After all, cream really literally is “the best part of anything”.) I could stand to have the body cream be a little more moisturizing, and of course there are no coordinating products. For the price though, it’s a fun cold-weather comfort … 4 Stars.

Olympian Super-Models

Why is it that the most attractive Olympians get the majority of the pre-game coverage? Especially if you’re a woman, it seems that you’re certain to get a magazine editorial or endorsement if you can prove to be desirable to the opposite sex. (Or at least “All-American”.) Heaven forbid you’re a horsey lookin’ ice-skater. Lord knows you better have some All-American sob-story to fall back on. Somehow, if we see a woman as being accomplished or successful, we must also attribute beauty to her. Often we pretend that the most average looking success-story is a hottie, just to fulfill that ridiculous requirement. Or … we ignore her. Is it not enough just to be fabulous? Do we have to be gorgeous, as well? Man, it’s tough to be a girl!

*Product Review: What product could possibly remedy this injustice? I weep.

The Paragon

My perfect bath and body product is a super-emollient body butter, with a fragrance that lasts until you shower it off. It has a coordinating shower cream, body spray, deodorant, hand cream, hand soap, hand sanitizer, and hair styling product. Is that too much to ask? Now the shower cream, body butter, and body spray are your basic cosmetic mirepoix, but let’s be real here … no matter what potions you put on at the beginning of your day, you're gonna end up smelling like a combination of you hair gel, hand cream, and sanitizing product anyway. Think about it.

*Product Review: Perlier Vineyards Nectar Starter Kit

In the world of bath and body fragrance, I think there are two groups of people. There are the foodies: those who prefer sweet, edible scents like your fruits, nuts, chocolates, vanillas and the like. And there are the florals: those who would prefer a musk, patchouli, or obvious floral aroma. Much like the democrats and republicans, the cheerleaders and the chess team, one is not better than the other … just more attractive and popular. Well I do believe that this is the fragrance that will unify the two camps. This is one, of very few products I’ve ever experienced, that should appeal to the floral and foodie alike. The fragrance is that of a rosy, sophisticated cotton candy (if that makes any sense at all to you), with a delicate whisper of sun-kissed berry. It’s feminine, flirty, and romantic, with an air of Victorian gentility to it. In a word … lovely. I find that every time I put it on it makes me smile. The scent also seems to linger longer than any of Perlier’s other food-scented products. An offering of http://hsn.com/ (Item #412-959), this kit comes in at $28.50 for the 10.5 oz. Body Cream and 8.4 oz. Shower Gel. I held back half a star only for the fact that it doesn't have enough coordinating products, like a perfume/fragrance spray or hand sanitizer. Also, though the body cream is silky and really quite adequate, I prefer a thicker body butter. I purchased the 2-pack of the Age-Defying Hand Cream (Item #507-511) first, as a less expensive way to try the fragrance (at $25). While I cannot attest to the age-defying properties -- I don't tend to apply any one product regularly enough to realize such benefits -- it does smell divine and leaves your hands silky smooth. I only wish the 2.5 oz tubes came in a 1 oz., as they would be easier to fit in my purse. If I were going to pick one product to wear every single day, this would be it … 4 ½ stars.

Yoga Sucks! / The Gods Love Nubia

Once, while out-of-town on business, I took a yoga class with my friend Mary Jo. I never really liked yoga, but hey I was open. We affectionately called our instructor “Skinny Yoga Guy”. I don’t think I ever really knew what his name actually was. (Man, was he weird.) Anyway, on point … one day, in the middle of some awkward pose or another, he turns to me and says, “You have a Nubian Princess air about you”. … Well! I couldn’t help but smile sheepishly at this deliciously unexpected compliment. I mean, I HAVE ALWAYS FELT THIS! Surely my real parents had to have been some sort of African royalty. (OK, give me a break, up until recently little black girls didn’t have any Disney princesses to aspire their likeness. I had to create my own.) At any rate, honored by this random comment, I looked to Skinny Yoga Guy in shameful anticipation of the follow-up, to which he replied, “You know, a lot of water and deep breathing will cleanse you of that”. … I never went back to that class.

*Product Review: Oyin Handmade Burnt Sugar Pomade

So, speaking of my African “roots”, this uber-unction hails from a company that claims to have derived it’s name from the Yoruba word for honey, oyin. (And … of course, the obvious made-by-hand aspect, but … well … you’re not an idiot.) OK, so this Burnt Sugar Pomade is truly a one-stop-shop product. I originally bought this directly from http://oyinhandmade.com/, but you can find it a curlmart.com as well. At $10 per 4 oz. jar, you really get your money’s worth. It intensely nourishes the skin, used wet it defines frizzy curls, and it shapes your dry style. If you have a straight do, it works well as a conditioning dress and does a great job of smoothing errant edges. What’s more, it temptingly anoints the hair and skin with a warm, sophisticated, exotic vanilla aroma that lasts FOR-EVER. (Beware, it is strong.) Their website suggests that this fragrance is appropriate for both men and women, and that is true, provided you are referring to an unabashedly fiery-flamboyant gay man. I have to say, at first I didn’t care for the fragrance, as it reminded me of the Bath & Body Works Warm Vanilla Sugar scent (which I mildly despise). But for some reason, after I wore it for a while, I started to warm up to it and actually came to find it quite enjoyable. The power of the fragrance can be slightly annoying if you’d like to wear an incompatible fragrance (say, a berry or grapefruit) on any given day, but presuming you’re in the mood for it, it’s a real treat. And what can I say, I just like the fun personality of the company owners. Being that this is a small family-run company, it can be hard to get the product you want when you want it, but it is worth the wait. For the sheer cost-effective versatility and fortitude of fragrance … 5 Stars.

Lotions and Potions and Creams … Oh, My!

I have 38 lotions, creams, and butters; 9 shower gels, 2 milk baths; 13 body sprays and perfumes; 14 styling products; 12 conditioners; 6 shampoos; and 8 leave-in conditioning products in my current rotation. Not to mention the countless other products that have been relegated to forgotten cabinets for having displeased me in some way. Sadly, I can't even say I'm that much softer or prettier for the collection. It’s just that … lotions make me happy. I could seriously review one product a day, for a whole year, and not need to buy a single new item to fill the quota. Of course, I'm not going to, as I couldn't possibly go that long without a new purchase. I am insane, aren't I?

*Product Review: Mark. Self Sanctuary Berry Cranberry Body Butter

I purchased the 6.7 oz. Berry Cranberry Body Butter (Item #427-863) from http://shop.avon.com/ for $8, but it comes from Avon’s hipper offshoot, Mark.. (Take note of the double punctuation, it’s apparently very important.) Geared toward the teen market, it’s products tend to be younger, fresher, and more contemporary. Well, this butter really hits the mark (pardon the pun). It’s a delightfully refreshing blend of ripe, juicy berries, topped with a tart cranberry twist (exactly as the name would imply, for once.) The cranberry gives it an edge that can take it from what would ordinarily be just a Spring scent, into Fall. It’s one of those fragrances that may not be everyone's choice to wear, but will offend no one should you choose to. I love that. The consistency is less of a “butter” and more like a cream, but it does seem to hydrate well, nonetheless. I got the coordinating ($12) 1.7 oz. body spray (Item #427-753) for Christmas, and it’s just as nice. Not perfumey at all. Where this product falls short of perfection is that it doesn't have a coordinating hand cream and sanitizer. Those are the basics, and Avon is usually much better at well-roundedness than that. Perhaps it’s because it’s from their teeny-bopperesque Mark line. I dunno. At any rate, it’s one of my favorites that can bring you from Winter into Summer and back again. For that, I give it 4 ½ stars.

Did You Try? ... Gotta Buy!

Admittedly, I started writing this blog as a way to spend my computer time doing something other than acquiring more beauty products. HOWEVER, I have often wished I had a nauseatingly girly girlfriend with whom I could share my adolescent glee at discovering some new product or another. “Oh my GOD, Shaqueesha, I just tried the most incredible new [fill in the product] and it is to DIE for! You simply must sample.” But sadly, though I have many wonderful people in my life, none of them give a rat’s ass about my beauty psychosis. That’s where you come in. Now I can delight in sharing that joy with my new BFF. (OK, that made me gag a little, but you get the point.) This is my … “aroma-therapy”. So for whatever it’s worth, here we go …

*Product Review: Avon NATURALS Vanilla Moisturizing Body Cream

A longtime leader in fun products at fair prices, Avon always has some guilt-free way to splurge. Though you can find their products at Amazon.com, I went right to the source: http://shop.avon.com (Item #139-270). For some reason it’s not always available (maybe they’re discontinuing, I dunno), but right now the 6.7 oz. Body Cream is on sale for $2.99 (regularly $6). I mean, you can’t get any better than that, right? First of all, though they call it a “cream”, the consistency is incredibly thick and rich. It’s definitely more like a butter, which is my idea of perfection. (General rule of life: Butter makes everything better.) It hydrates well and doesn't leave behind any greasy residue. And the scent! … If you're a fan of a vanilla buttercream frosting fragrance, this is more it than many other products that tout the name. VERY sweet. Simply scrumptious. This collection has several coordinating products, from shower gel to body spray, but I love the Antibacterial Hand Gel (Item #061-273). At $1.29 (regularly $4) for 2.5 oz., it’s a steal. And we love coordinating products. Yay! For the layerability … 5 Stars.

P.S. Y’all know I make up words, right?

Obsession, Possession, Confession

To be honest, I’m about as savvy with technology as George W. is with politics and government. However, I shan’t let that deter me. I shall face my fear of computerology and endevour to pursue the answer to my burning question: Should my obsessive-compulsive condition have me running for the nearest shrink? Or … am I under the influence of a rather harmless desire that I share with many other completely healthy and sane individuals across the globe? Here it is … I am inexplicably compelled to purchase endless quantities of body butter, spritzes, and sprays. Even though my bathroom puts the bath and body aisle of the CVS to shame, I continue to buy more lotions and potions than any one human could ever possibly use in a lifetime. I seem to be on a never-ending quest for that perfect scent, that perfect level of moisturization, that perfect … scentual experience. I ask you: Are there others like me out there? If so, what does this say about us? Is it really even about beauty products?

*Product Review: philosophy holiday hostess set

This set contains 8 oz. of philosophy’s popular cinnamon buns ultra-rich 3-in-1 shampoo/shower gel/bubble bath and 8 oz. of the hard-to-find cinnamon buns ultra-rich body lotion. Designed for the holidays it’s tough to track down now, but I was able to find it at http://qvc.com/ (Item #A93912). At $20 it proves to be a good buy, even with QVC’s pricey shipping charges (they charge per item, not per order). But let me just tell you … though I don’t necessarily want to leave the house smelling like cinnamon buns (which is EXACTLY what this does smell like), there is no better way to luxuriate in the bath and lube up before you slip into the sheets. At the end of a long day, it’s a decadently delicious way to hit the sack. For what I use it for it’s a 5-Star, no doubt. Try it! You’ll like it.