Yes, That Makes Your Butt Look Big!

In one of my rare escapes from man and child, I spent some time at a lingerie store named Soma today. I’d never been there (and I dunno, I guess I was “Brave New World”-ing), but the place just seemed like it would be my kinda zen. Lingerie + Soma + time alone = Ahhhhh. Right? Well this little retreat turned out to be much much more. It made me realize my life’s purpose. “Finding purpose in panties?”, you might ask. Well yes, I may have finally found a use for my rarely appreciated, brutally blunt honesty. I should be a lingerie consultant. People would come to me (or I could go to them, whatever, I’m flexible) for a consultation and honest assessment of the fit of their underthings. Not only would I be so kind as to tell them their ass couldn’t look more cheesy and fat, but I would guide them towards the items that WOULD make them look hotter that a Beyonce video in prison. Could this be a job?  I mean, really, could it?  ‘Cuz I would freakin’ rock at it!  I swear it took all I had to bite my tongue and avoid jumping over the dressing room walls as the sales associates dished out crappy advice to poor, unsuspecting, misguided, droopy-boobed women, only hoping to look a little better and feel so too.  I mean, is it really that hard to be honest???  I can’t tell you much about fashion, but when it comes to bras and panties, I know my stuff. After all, even the most high-end garment won't make you look good unless you have the proper foundation.  I know, you say I could just get a job at some random skivvy store, but here’s why that doesn’t work … 1) You would probably have to work on commission, and I have no knack for selling people things they don’t need, and 2) I’m not line loyal. I have yet to find one brand, vendor, or store that has all the undergoodies I require. While HSN and Nordstrom are my stock-standard resources, I find fabulous things here and there, and wouldn’t wanna be restricted to one store’s meager inventory to stock my arsenal. I’m just sayin’, if I could have my pick of any line of privates products to refer every woman on this earth to, I’m convinced I could have each and every single one of them feeling sexy and lookin’ fine. If I don’t know a good fit, NO ONE DOES! …GOD, I’m a gift. Wouldn’t YOU buy me?  Come on, be honest. No, seriously … be honest.

*Product Review:  Hanky Panky Signature Lace Low Rise Thong

So listen: unless you are (or closely resemble) a Victoria’s Secret model, NO ONE SHOULD BE WEARING ANY THONG THAT DOESN’T HAVE A LACE-WAIST. Through trial and error, I have learned that this is the key to proper thong wearage. If you adhere to this rule, most women can wear a thong. The wide elastic waist band gives just enough to prevent the fabric from digging into your fat and creating that unsightly indentation and waist bulge. I don’t care what brand you buy, but stick to the wide lace-waist. The ultra-low rise comes in handy for those of us who have a bit of a tummy.  Being short-waisted, normal low rise booty-covers hit at just the right place to create a perfect little ledge for my belly fat to hang over. Not pretty!  The ultra-low is a bit more daring, but much more flattering, if you don’t have a flat stomach. In all honesty, I have tried not to like these way-down-underwears, ‘cuz (at $82 for the 5-pack) they are ridiculously expensive, but … I just can’t help it.  I haven’t found anything comparable.  Felina has a good ultra-low rise thong, but the Hanky Panky has a better fit and slightly wider waist band. Gap has another, but it doesn’t hold up in the wash nearly as well.  Now, normally I would scoff at any panty claiming to be a “one size fits all” (they claim it fits size 0-12), but it does seem to work for me. I’m normally a size 2. Sometimes I’m a 0, and very rarely I visit size 4 land, but I usually reside at a 2. I really can’t image that the same size could accommodate a 12 as well, but … hey, I don’t know that it doesn’t. (Weigh in here, size 12 ladies.)  I wash them in the machine, right along with all my other crap, but I don’t put them in the dryer. I never put ANY bra or panty that I care about in the dryer. Just hang them to dry. I got these from BareNecessities.com quite a while ago, but given this special treatment, they hold up really well. They should for upwards of $16.40 a pair! (Mind you, that’s only if you purchase the combo back. You’ll pay more for individuals.)  I know, it’s hard to imagine paying this much for a minuscule strip of lace that barely covers your hoo-ha, but they do do the trick. They lose points for the limited color range and cost prohibitiveness. Though this pack is supposed to be the neutrals pack, none of the shades came close to my skin tone. I’d like to see a larger neutral palette (and one that includes black). I’d also like to buy more, but then again, I enjoy having food and shelter.  BUTT (hee hee), for the fabulously versatile ultra-low rise, comfort, and durability … 4 Stars.

Hanky Panky Signature Lace Low Rise Thong 5-Pack Panty (One Size Newer Neutrals)