The Bigger They Come, The Harder They Feel

I grew up having gianormous mammary accoutrements. They were never perky, like my wee-busted friends. They didn’t fit into cute, slinky little bras. You could lose an eye cheerleading, and you certainly couldn’t wear ANYTHING without a bra. They were most impractical, and the disadvantages great, but the one reward was the fact that the opposite sex found them rather appealing. They put me in an admirable category, occupied by only the busty few. Now with the ease, relative affordability, and prevalence of plastic surgery, any woman can have big ones -- without the imperfections. No real-busted woman can compete with that. Come on, that’s just unfair! There is absolutely no advantage to having God-given large breasts anymore. They have suffered a rather cruel obsolescence. What’s even more cruel is that, now that I no longer have an ample bosom, there are still challenges. While the ease of fitting into any top, evening gown, or bra is much appreciated (and I actually enjoy being average), the aftermath of once-big-boob-syndrome is not pretty. (I ask you … does God have no mercy?) I turn to the plastic surgery debate. In a perfect world, I’d jump at the chance to be lifted and tucked (though not augmented), but it is major surgery and that comes with real risks. I mean, could I really stand to have the world know that I died in the name of such vanity? Could I live with the possibility of emerging from surgery with perfect breasts and a comatose existence? Could I live with complications that left me with horrible pain or gross disfigurement for the rest of my life? Are any of these risks worth it when I’m really not that bad-off to begin with (face it, most of us look pretty good)? I don’t know. … Oh, my philosophy professors would be so proud that this is what I ponder.

*Product Review: Bravissimo

OK, I guess it’s not really a “product” as much as it is a merchant, but whatever. Well, since I am no longer robustly endowed, I pass on the torch of indispensable knowledge. For those of you with a rather hearty set of girly-pillows (a term borrowed from a gay man, I assure you), you simply MUST know about this company. For whatever reason, the average cup size of a woman in the UK is much larger than that of an American. (Unenhanced, that is.) It’s not surprising then that the UK should be home to this amazing company that caters to women who wear a D-cup or larger. They carry various well-known big-cupped designer brands, as well as their own. In the States, it’s not that hard to find larger bands with higher cup sizes, but nearly impossibly to find lingerie for small women with voluptuous mammillae. Well, if that’s your drama, this is the place for you. If you’re in between a 28D and a 40KK, you’ll find more options in bras, clothing, swimwear, and sexy chemises, than you’d ever imagined possible. They are online at bravissimo.com, but I would also advise ordering their catalog, as well. In their ever-more-intelligent fashion, those Brits use models who actually look like you and me, so you really get a sense of what the underwear will do for a real woman (as opposed to Heidi Klum). If you don't live in the UK, it is slightly annoying that you can’t try anything on and have to wait for overseas shipping, but it’s worth it for the things you can’t find at Nordstrom. (Nordstrom being another good curvaceous cutie resource, by the way.) With more fun, flirty, and fabulous options in your size than you’ve ever seen in one place before, you may be tempted to go crazy and order everything. I caution you to remember that, while the prices may seem more than reasonable, you have to convert from pounds to dollars. Yeah, that’ll smack your butt back into reality real quick. Once you grasp the fact that everything is 1½ times the price of what it appears to be, you’ll proceed wisely and be a much happier camper. Happy shopping, my zaftig Zeenas! Go forth and support … 4 ½ stars.